


Haunted

by forever_nerd



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post Season 4, Regrets, Sad Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), chloe is trying to be brave, fragile devil, you can't really change the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:42:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forever_nerd/pseuds/forever_nerd
Summary: Drunk Chloe thinking about certain moments and wondering how things might have turned out different.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 22
Kudos: 108





	Haunted

**Author's Note:**

> Some angst that has been sitting in my files for too long a while before season 5 comes!

I had all

And then most of you

Some

And now

None of you

Take me back to the night we met

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do

Haunted by the ghost of you

Oh take me back to the night we met

Sometimes she dreams of that night.

Of his eyes, dark and shining, so horribly surprised, as if loving him was such an impossibility.   
  
Of his words, dancing around the truth as they always used to, and his touch always so soft for her.  
  
In her dreams she hates his wings, no matter how breathtakingly beautiful they are. Because they always, _always_ take him away from her.  
  
Her days bleed into one another, filled with too much work and a daughter who can see right through her, adding more guilt to the mess that has been building inside her.  
  
Her nights are under Mazikeen's reign, filled with too much drinking and as little thinking as possible.   
  
She does plenty of that when she's alone. Her mind twisting with possibilities, rewinding and re-enacting their moments as if there is _any_ point, as if it can make _any_ difference whatsoever.  
  
It's what she's doing tonight.

Drinking her cheap wine that he always snubbed and dancing round and round with her memories, trying to find an alternate reality where he would still be here, whining about the cheap swill she lets past her lips.  
  
1\. The confrontation

“Then I have my answer,” he says and turns his back to her. She should go, this is dismissal if there ever was one, but her feet remain rooted on his marble floors.  
  
"You should leave," he tells her and she can hear the tears in his voice.  
  
This is what she has reduced him to. A man, _no_ an immortal being, buried under the weight of her rejection.   
  
Shame and anger churn in her stomach and she is terrified- at least she was honest about that-because she knows, she _knows_ that if she walks away now she will lose him altogether.   
  
And before he became the man she loved, a flawed beautiful man who was no man at all, he was her friend, the first man after her father to truly believe in her and her potential.  
  
So despite the fear that clings to her like a second skin, one that she is desperate to tear, making her look just as ravaged as his other self, this is not a bridge she wishes to burn.  
  
"Lucifer," she whispers, the sound barely audible but he can hear her- she can tell by the way his shoulders cave in just a touch.  
  
"Please," a breathless plea.   
  
"Do you want more incentive to leave?" he says and it's meant to be delivered angrily but it's sad thing, hurt and broken and Chloe hates herself a little more.  
  
"I'm sorry," she says a little louder. "Sorry I am not as strong as you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I am not the friend you deserve; because you do deserve someone better than this. I am sorry I lied to you." Another sob breaks free. She pushes through it. "And I am sorry I can't say yes, but I don't want there to be there any more lies between us. But I want to.... I want to be able to accept all of you."

  
_Because a part of me still loves you_ , she thinks but doesn't say, because even here she finds it hard to be _that_ brave.

  
"I really hope you can forgive me," she says instead, finally ready to leave, to give both of them space when he turns, eyes wet and soft and a hope so fragile on his handsome face that it breaks her heart all over again.   
  
"Chloe... I want that too."

  
She smiles at him, a small shaky thing, hopeful too that maybe they can overcome what seemed insurmountable moments ago.  
  
Maybe he asks her to stay for a drink, his solution to everything, and she does. And she finds it easier to talk about all those little things she had been unable to face.  
  


"I am sorry I never replied to any of your texts. They were sweet and thoughtful and I was...not."  
  


He nods in her mind's eyes, at a loss of what to say and she goes on.  
  
"I shouldn't have left," she laments. "But I was so scared, so...untethered...so terrified by everything..." she feels her tears leaving hot trails on her cheeks but she doesn't bother to wipe them, her hands gripping her glass tightly.

He moves close to her and this time she doesn't flinch.

This time she holds his hand and she means it.  
  


And when Eve comes maybe he isn't starved for her acceptance, for her affection.

And maybe she never meets Kinley who is shipped back to Italy.

And maybe Chloe has the time she needs to love him again.

All of him, the way he deserves.

And maybe the demons don't come.

And he stays.   
  


_He stays._  
  
  
She touches the bullet that rests against her collarbones. It carries his blood and her stupidity. Just like this entire situation.  
  


The fantasy dissipates quickly, a mirage in the blistering desert heat, shimmering, almost alive but oh so gut-wrenchingly unreal.

  
  
~H~

  
She thinks of that damn auction. He looked so painfully handsome in his black tux, bowtie and suspenders, his hair perfectly coiffed, standing out against the rest of the perfect looking crowd.  
  
The only thing that had made her stomach sour was the dark haired beauty on his arm (and wasn't that stab of jealousy a kick in the gut for that tangled mess that was her feelings).  
  
But Eve being his date was hardly the worst of it.   
  


No.

She was his partner in crime.

They worked great together which only served to make her more jealous.  
  


That was _hers_ dammit.

He was _her_ partner.

  
But she still managed to hurt him that night, to break her promise.   
  


When he always kept his.  
  


And that night…

Had she arrived just a bit sooner....

Had she been able to apologise, to explain....maybe, _just_ maybe things would have been different.  
  
2\. The kiss  
  
She can't see them when she walks in but she can hear them. She walks down the steps and then follows their voices. It sounds like they are arguing. Lucifer is the first one to see her and she can't help but notice the necklace held in his hand.   
  
"Detective," he exclaims surprised. His eyes dart momentarily down. He knows she has seen it.  
  


"Hey," she greets, almost shy. "I wanted to talk to you." She doesn't want to have to spell it out to Eve that she'd rather have this talk in private but thankfully Lucifer walks away from her, towards the bar and Chloe follows.   
  
"If this is about the necklace—" he starts but Chloe stops him.   
  


"I am not here for the necklace. I wanted to talk to you. To apologize. It wasn't up to me. If I could, I would have given it to you. And I won't say anything." Lucifer looks at her surprised but (not so secretly) pleased.   
  
"Why are you really here?" he asks confused.  
  
"I am here for you," she says, her hand covering his. He stares at the innocent gesture and then at her. She can see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.

She knows that he's thinking the same thing she is. That awful night when father Frank had died and she had gone to the penthouse for him. To be his friend. She can almost hear Heart and Soul in the background; her awkward tinkering on the piano and his smile soft and sweet as it was.  
  
"I miss you." She can be brave here. "I miss working with you. I miss being your friend. I didn't say _no_ Lucifer. And the more time goes by, the more certain I am that I want you in my life."

  
"Chloe... this is... unexpected to say the least. I am stunned."  
  


"Good unexpected or bad unexpected?" she asks trying to be playful.   
  


He stares at her, almost speechless. He recovers quickly, with a smile so fragile it makes her heart spasm painfully.  
  


"Good unexpected. Definitely good. But I still don't know whether this could work Detective."

  
"Lucifer… I'm tired... Why don't we go upstairs?" Eve appears as if from nowhere, her hand curling around his waist. She is definitely not trying to be subtle. Chloe can almost see her wrapping around him like a snake, their roles reversed.

  
"Why don't you ride up darling and I'll follow? I have some things to settle with the Detective."   
  


In her fantasy Eve leaves, though she is certain that she wouldn't have been as easily swayed if all this had actually happened.   
  


"I know I have hurt you and I'm sorry. I guess it is up to you decide if you want our partnership to continue. Just know that I am here for you even if I'm awfully late. Your partner, your friend..." _More, he will always be more_. "Both, neither... It's up to you."

Her fingers curl around his hand.

He looks at her silent, eyes dark and hungry.   
  
She wants to kiss him so bad even if some of her fear lingers still.  
  


She _wants and wants_ but even here she isn't brave enough.  
  


She smiles sadly up at him and hops off her stool.

  
"I'll just go," she says squeezing his hand one last time before letting go. She can feel the sting of tears behind her eyes, disappointed for reasons she doesn't really want to think about.

  
"Detective..." she turns around, hoping her eyes aren't as shiny as they feel. "Thank you for telling me and thank you for not getting Eve into further trouble with the necklace."  
  


"You're welcome Lucifer." She tries to offer a genuine smile and then heads for the stairs.  
  


"Detective!" he calls, coming to her, his posture and voice betraying his nerves.  
  


"Yes?"  
  


"Should I pop by the precinct tomorrow or would you rather call me?"  
  


She can't help the smile that takes over her face.  
  


"I'd love to have you there Lucifer," she chokes out and hugs him.

  
He is surprised- that much she can tell- but he eagerly wraps his hands around her.  
  


They say their goodnights, both of them suddenly too awkward and shy.  
  
And maybe the next morning he shows up carrying her coffee, wearing that smile he keeps only or her.

  
And maybe Eve never becomes such a big part of his life.   
  


And slowly but steadily they grow closer together.   
  


And Eve never meets Kinley and the demons never come.  
  


And he stays.

_He stays_.

~H~

When she thinks of that awful night and how he almost bled to death on the floor of Lux-just because she was there with him- her heart aches in so many different ways.  
Guilt and fear and missed opportunities pile up one on top of the other until their weight is too much to bear.   
  
She should have told him.

While there was still time.

But Eve was there and she hated the idea of being the third wheel whether Lucifer still cared for her or not.  
  
But now... Knowing what she does, she would gladly carry that title if it meant that he would still be here.

And not trapped in that awful place, a willing sacrifice in the face of the mistakes of others.  
  
3\. The shield  
  
"You were willing to sacrifice yourself to save me,” he marvels.

  
"I love you, you fool," she whispers on his cheekbone, finally brave enough, her tears falling onto his skin.   
  


He is pale and weak but the smile that stretches on his lips is gorgeous.  
  


"Don't you dare die on me!" she says with a forced smile, her gut in knots, tears still falling.  
  


"I wouldn't dream of it Detective," he says with an easy smile and she holds him until the paramedics pick him up, taking him away from her.

She lets them with a heavy heart, wishing with every fiber of her being that she could be there with him, to hold his hand and kiss his cheek, to run her fingers comfortingly through his hair, but she knows she can't follow.  
  
But the cat's out of the bag now.   
  


He knows.   
  


And as they load him into the ambulance his eyes shine brighter than stars with that knowledge.   
  
And it doesn't take long for him to end things with Eve.

Doesn't take long before he becomes a permanent fixture in their household once more.

Doesn't take long before she kisses him on her couch, hands cradling his face as if he is the most precious thing in her world.

  
And nothing can come between them once they come together.

And he stays.

_He stays.  
_   
  


~H~

  
She remembers how his self loathing had bled onto his skin. How others' ideas, accusations, misconceptions had been so deeply ingrained into him, that it was nearly impossible to try to shake them off.  
  
4\. The close call  
  
  


"Look at that detective! We did it," he says with that excited, boyish smile on his face.  
  
The relief she feels is dizzying and she decides to throw caution to the wind and goes to him, embracing for once what she truly desires.  
  
He doesn't expect it, doesn't think that she'd want to be anywhere near him.   
  
But she does.

_Oh, she does.  
  
_ She smiles a little at the small _oof_ of surprise as she wraps her arms around him, happy, so incredibly happy that he's found himself again.  
  
For a horrible moment she thought that he wouldn't be able to change and then what?

Would he have been forced to leave?  
  


She shudders at the thought.  
  
"Forgive me if I scared you detective. I—“  
  
"You did. I thought—" she takes a deep breath.

"Chloe, I hate that—“  
  


"No, Lucifer. _No._ I was terrified because I thought you would have to leave. And I ... I—"

She pushes her face into his chest, inhales his scent and pretends that her tears don't wet his skin. But his hand, even though soft is persistent and she lets him tilt her face up to him.  
  
"What is it Detective?"  
  


"I don't want you to have to leave. Your other form might be... awe-inspiring, shoking but I am not scared of you anymore. I... I—"  
  
She can't say it, too frightened of his reaction, so she does the next best thing.   
  
She kisses him.  
  
His lips are soft and they happily yield to hers. His hands tighten around her and her heart starts beating frantically, her body desperate for more. Her hands frame his face, keeping him there for her and when their tongues touch- for a moment _, just for a_ _moment,_ she forgets the nightmares of the past months and knows only Lucifer.   
  
His lips, his tongue, his taste.  
  
When he reluctantly pulls away, his breaths rugged and fast, reality crashes back into her, but even so, it tastes sweeter now.  
  


She kisses the skin over his heart, happy so overwhelmingly happy.  
  


"You know I’ve got your back right? Because I do."  
  


"You can have my back and my front and any other part of me you like, Detective," he says cheekily because he _is_ Lucifer and she loves it, loves his silly jokes and puns and him.

  
She _loves_ him.  
  


"I love you, you know," she says conversationally and his hands tighten further around her.  
  
She is about to leave after they share another kiss, her heart bursting with hope, when Lucifer asks in a small voice, almost afraid to be happy,  
  
"Is this really happening?"  
  


"Yes," she whispers against his lips and kisses him again.  
  
And maybe when—

  
  
The sound is defeaning in the silence of her empty apartment.   
  
Her glass lays shattered into numerous, tiny, sharp pieces, gleaming on the laminate floor.  
  
 _I haven't crumbled into a million pieces_ , she had told him.  
  
It was the truth back then. Not so much now though.   
  


She doesn't cry, not any more but she does feel as if she is coming apart at the seams.  
  


She clutches her midsection as she crumbles to the floor, a heap of regrets and a heart so broken she has no idea how to mend.  
  
 _What?_ she asks herself for the millionth time.  
  


_What would they have done?_

What more could _she_ have done than beg? And well she had done _that,_ hadn't she?

Fat a lot of good it had done for her.  
  
He had left.

And dammit she understood the sentiment and admired his sense of responsibility but it was so _fucking_ unfair.  
  
What did he think when he left?

That he'd be someone easily forgotten?

That she would just move on with her life as if nothing awfully life-changing had happened?  
  


That she could once more tear and crumble her feelings as she so many times had done in the past?  
  
He is a fool if he believed any of that.

Her fool, but still a fool.  
  
And he really has absolutely _no clue_ what it means to be loved fully and unconditionally.  
  
This thought does bring tears to her eyes because she never had the chance to show him.   
  


He never got to know what it is like to be loved by her.

And she still longs for it with a hunger that doesn't seem to diminish with time.  
  
But she is also a fool.  
  
For still hanging on when there is truly no hope left for them. It's not like the demons will suddenly decide to behave and he'll be able to stroll back into her life.  
  
Because was there the slightest chance, she would gladly become his Penelope, patiently waiting for his return.  
  
She lets her head drop into her hands, fingers pressing into her eyes, hoping to stem the flow of tears that is begging to be released.  
  
They were doomed from the start.

He, the brightest of stars, and she a planet trapped in his gravitational force. Their connection unmistakable but at the same time condemned to be apart forever.  
  
She touches the cool metal of the bullet hanging from her neck.

Close to her heart.

Always.

Even if he doesn't know.  
  
So she thinks of him.

Dreams of him.

She keeps his ghost as close as she can- a most welcome haunting.  
  
She loses herself in her work and lets Mazikeen fill her nights with drinks and mind numbing fun.  
  
And she pretends as she has done for years.

Pretends that things are okay.   
  


That _she_ is okay.  
  
When she really, really isn't.

**Author's Note:**

> The song is 'the night we met' by Lord Huron.
> 
> As always thank you for reading:)


End file.
